by Stephen Lau
Maintaining good relationships is one of the Seven Pillars of Health Wisdom on healthy living. To live in harmony within self as well as with others requires focusing first on others’ needs rather than on one’s own. Mindfulness is the key to any good relationship.
Obstacles to maintaining good relationships
One of the prerequisites of healthy living is harmony within self as well as with others. Disharmony causes distress, while harmony in good relationships has salubrious impact on the emotional, spiritual, and physical health of an individual. Good relationships requiremindfulness of others rather than self.
Why are there so many bad relationships? Why is human conflict so prevalent in our society?
There are many obstacles to maintaining good relationships:
(1) Incomplete human knowledge: Human actions, especially negative ones, are based on knowledge of self and others, which is often inadequate. Many hardly know themselves. If they do not know their own emotional needs, how would they be mindful of the emotional needs of others?
Always be in mindfulness of the needs of others.
(2) Incorrect human perceptions: Human perceptions are based on attitudes, beliefs, and habits, which are often biased and distorted. Incorrect perceptions cause inappropriate reactions, and thus damaging good relationships.
Always be in mindfulness of the possibility of one’s perceptions being incorrect.
(3) Self-preoccupation: Our culture teaches us not only “self love” but also “self-esteem,” which literally means esteeming “yourself.” Self-preoccupation fosters the belief that “I am special” or reinforces the “mine-is-better” attitude. The result is that you whole-heartedly believe that your convictions do carry more weight than those of others.
Always be in mindfulness of one’s self-centeredness, which is the root cause of bias and non-acceptance.
(4) Right to express: The American society encourages the “right” to express oneself, including one’s emotions. Instead of reigning in your negative emotions, you are entitled to give vent to your negative impulses — even at the expense of hurting others’ feelings. This undisciplined emotion is failure to restrain negative impulses, which often cause human conflict and destroy good relationships.
Always be in mindfulness of one’s undisciplined negative impulses.
Advice on maintaining good relationships
Any good relationship always begins with “self” first.
Here are some advice on maintaining good relationships:
(1) Be ready to be the first one to take the first step to enhance and maintain good relationships. Have the wisdom of focusing on others rather than self. Deference to mindfulness of others first holds the key to maintaining good relationships.
Always be in mindfulness of others.
(2) Be grateful that you have the generosity of heart. You may be more blessed than others in that you have a greater capacity for mindfulness than others. Cicero, the great Roman orator, once said: “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but also the mother of all the rest.”
Always be grateful for your blessed gift of mindulness of others in your healthy living.
(3) Be positive of others. The great Chinese philosopher, Mencius,once said: “The feeling of compassion is the beginning of benevolence; the feeling of shame and self-reproach, the beginning of righteousness; the feeling of courtesy and modesty, the beginning of propriety; the feeling of right and wrong, the beginning of wisdom. These four beginnings are like the four limbs of man and to deny oneself any of these potentialities is to cripple oneself.”
Always embrace mindfulness of the four beginnings of Mencius in your healthy living.
(4) Be pleasant. Cultivate and develop a cheerful demeanor, a pleasant outlook — the attitude that every problem in life has a solution of some sort.
Always demonstrate mindfulness of positive outlook in your healthy living.
(5) Stop complaining. Keep all complaints to yourself — unless voicing your complaints will improve the situation.
Always resign in mindfulness of contentment in any trying situation.
(6) Try to see the good in others. Wherever possible, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Always be in mindfulness of others’ behavior.
(7) Be mindful of your behavior towards others. According to C.S. Lewis, you may need to “put on a friendly manner and behave as if you were a nicer person than you actually are.” In this way, you will be “really friendly than you were.”
Always act in mindfulness towards others.
(8) Expect less of others. Never expect others to reciprocate; if they do, let that be a pleasant surprise.
Always expect no mindfulness from others in your healthy living.
Good relationships have to be cherished and nurtured before they can blossom. But without good relationships, living a healthy lifestyle may become difficult, if not impossible. Good relationships eliminate much of the distress in life, which often causes diseases and disorders.
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Copyright© by Stephen Lau
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